Wednesday, March 25, 2009

..this way..

Written March 23, 2009

All the physical evidence that I was once pregnant has now diminished. So, before the last memories escape me....I thought I'd record them for my sake. For most, something so sacred and deep would seem to be etched in their minds forever. I, however, am not like most. I'm not quite sure where I acquired this trait, but I have this blessing slash curse that limits my memories. I hope the many memories of these latest events will be with me forever.

I went in for my five month prenatal check-up on the 28th of January. We had just had an ultra-sound the first of January and found out Colten was going to be a boy. I was soooo convinced we were going to be having a girl this time. I guess maybe I had wanted it so much I hadn't thought of the other option. Savana kept telling me after that appointment that we weren't having a was a girl! I had said to her many times "Savana, we've already seen at the doctors it's going to be a boy. Remember?" She was persistant that we weren't having a boy. At times she would agree and say "oh yeah, the doctor said it was a boy." But the majority of the time she would disagree with me. So, I thought to myself "Maybe she knows something, maybe the doctor was wrong."

For both Savana and myself I thought it would be a wise choice to do the ultrasound one more time. If it really was a boy, I would just start preparing. Just Savana and I went in to the doctor's office. We were able to sit up on the table and and watch the events that were about to unfold before us on a big screen TV directly in front of us. This baby had always been very active, even at my previous ultrasound. This time he was sound asleep. Not only was he asleep, but the cord was between his legs. He had his bicep resting on his face with the rest of his arm up above his head. I kept thinking, maybe they were wrong and the cord was in the way last time too. The technician said she wouldn't be able to see anything unless he moved around and got into a different position. I told her no problem, I'd poke and prod at my tummy. As I did this it surely woke him up. He wiggled a little then stretched his little leg and foot above his head.
It was so cute. He was real....SOOO real. Right then and there I fell in love with him. With these actions he was in a position to reveal that what they had once discovered, they had discovered again. They were right, he was a boy. This was the last time we saw Colten before he was born. At that point, he was perfect, everything was fine. To me, that is the way I will remember my little boy forever

Friday, March 6, 2009

Sleep now.....little one

On February 27th, 2009 Colten was called home to live with our Heavenly Father again. Though we don't yet fully understand the purpose of his short existence, we do know we'll see him again. The fact that we have the pure knowledge that Colten will be with our family someday, gives us comfort and helps us pull through the days we think we won't be able to survive. I also am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for all that I am blessed with in this life. It has been a hard couple of months. I can't see the purpose of this trial yet, but I have faith that there is a reason for everything. And while I can see but a small bit of the picture I know
there is more in store and one day all the pieces of the puzzle will fall
together. I also have faith that one day, Colten will receive all the opportunities he would have had in this life. I know I will greet him and hold him once again.

For those of you who haven't heard, on friday the 27th we went to labor and delivery at the hospital because I hadn't felt the baby move for awhile. After we arrived, they couldn't find
a heart-beat and after confirming it through an ultrasound, we found out our baby boy no longer was with us.

Thank you so much to all of our friends and family who have supported us through this trying time. If it weren't for all of you, we literally don't know how we could have
gotten through this last week. All our love to you!! A big thank you to my Mom and sister, Kellie, for coming to Arizona and giving me all your love and support.
There's one other special person I'd like to thank.....Scott, my sweet husband. This time has been so extremely difficult for both of us. I am so glad he was there when I needed a soft place to land and thought the pain was too great to bare. He loved, comforted, supported, held, and led me when he himself could have used someone to do the same for him. Thank you for all you have done. You have taken great care of me and I am yours faithfully..eternally.


Colten James Brown

February 27th, 2009-February 27th, 2009

10:50 pm ..... 1 lb 4 oz's 12 inches