Saturday, February 27, 2016

Kisses with Wings

I have such a deep somber feeling when this time of year comes around.  Some may wonder why they don't hear me speak of Colten very often.  It's not that I'm reluctant to speak of him, it is more that I feel he is so sacred.
One thing I can't ever help to have remorse for, is not having pictures taken at the hospital when I had him.  The whole experience was so foreign to me.  I had never known anyone that had gone through this.  I didn't know what feelings to feel or opinions to have, besides that of utter and complete sadness, of course.  I opted out of having anyone come take pictures.  That is one of my biggest regrets.  I didn't know how it would work out and I wasn't able to envision how this would all turn out.  His face, tiny body, little hands, will forever be etched in my memory.  I remember just about every detail of the events surrounding that day.
I always have an urge to open the dam and release my thoughts, words & emotions on his day.  This was what I wrote for him today:

Trying to find the words to say, but nothing comes out. 
Trying to describe the way I feel that hasn't been said before.  
Very few can comprehend, for they've never been where I have been, but it's okay.
In some strange way, I have been given a gift.
It's not one I'd ever ask for or would have imagined would happen to me,
It's not one I would ever wish on anyone.
Though your death brought much sorrow, it also brought some comfort,
Knowing your little spirit wouldn't have to face this cruel world.
It does sadden me that it has meant less time & earthly experiences with you.
Though it has caused much pain, I can look beyond that because I know there is a bigger picture.
There's something out there bigger than my plans for you.
There's someone out there that had a better plan for you.
There's someone out there who loves you, & me, more than I can even begin to comprehend.
What a sweet, sweet, perfect, peaceful spirit you bring when my thoughts are engulfed with you.
I can feel you near.
Gratitude is a companion to of all those amazing feelings.
It seems strange to say, but I have such a comfort in the Father's plan. 
Grateful you are real. Grateful I got to hold you. Grateful I'm your mother. Grateful I'll be with you again.

Each year, we have tried to make it a tradition to send off balloons.  This year we went to his graveside and released white balloons.  I think of him often and wonder how differently life would be with him in our lives.  

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